Appraisal Tricks from Management

The Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding.

So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air.

Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average',

Whichever lands on table gets 'good',

Whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and

Whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

 

Nationalisation of IPL

And this is what will happen when Lalit Modi is ousted......

The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India

Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi.

The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharshtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and Mohammed Kaif.

The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegiance to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha, respectively.

Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers, et cetera.

Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked, subject to sufficient bribes reaching the right politicians in the selection committee.

Air India will replace Kingfisher as the official carrier. Thats the only way Air India can return to profitability.

Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.

The new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks.

Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for be women.

Mayawati will demand SC~ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets.

Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarised.

All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parliamentary Commission.

IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centres from 10 a.m. to 12:45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cell phone will immediately be withdrawn.

Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a government doctor examines him.

IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. and subsequently from 3:30 a.m. to 7 p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability.

Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired.

Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed "Krishi Darshan".

There will be no matches on weekends or on national/regional holidays.

The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green.

The umpires will be sponsored by the Income Tax dept. The logo on their shirts will be 'Pay Income Tax before 30/6'.

Bowlers will have to bowl sarpatti and ghasssarkundi balls to the reserved category players.

Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL, and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it. He will also privately threaten Obama that if the funds are not provided, he will have no choice but to let loose the taliban and al-qaida.